It's not about me

B & I had a rough weekend. A very rough weekend. We just couldn't get along. My patience was definitely short, but there's something more going on here. He seems to feel he can talk to me in a way he can't with M. For instance, if I tell him no, he'll get right in my face and yell, "YES! Give it to me NOW!" He'll throw in a foot-stomp for good measure, and maybe point right at my face, and he uses such an angry, hostile tone when he says things like that. He'll also deliberately ignore me. He'll even close his eyes, put his hands over his ears, and shake his head no when I try to say something to him. And he's openly defiant way too much of the time. For example, he's been spitting a lot lately (I think it's something the boys at school have all been into...gross boys). I'll tell him not to spit, and he'll smirk at me and spit right in my face. He'll do this a little bit with M too, but not to the extent he does with me.

I spend more one-on-one time with B than M does, simply because I stay home on Fridays and spend the whole day with B. It's fairly rare that M gets an uninterrupted 12-hour stretch alone with B; basically it only happens if I'm traveling for business over a weekend, which I just don't do much. So it's definitely true that I have to say "no" more often than M does, and that I will get more negative reaction from B as a result. But the last three or four weeks, it's just been bad. Really bad. Bad to the point where I don't want to spend a day with B. And I hate that feeling.

So where is it coming from? Does he talk to me in that ugly way because I talk to him that way? God, I hope not. I definitely lose my patience with him, but I try to keep myself calm & just remove him from the scene of the crime (a.k.a. bedroom time for B) rather than shout. Is he upset or stressed about something? The adoption? Grammy's death? And what do I do about it? I'm stumped.

I just don't like it that I seem to spend most of my time with B these days saying no, or putting him in his room. I need to break the cycle and get us back into a positive frame of mind. I think the title of the post is the key -- it's not about me. It isn't so important right now if I get my feelings hurt. It's not B's responsibility to behave in a way that makes me happy. I think I just need to do a better job of keeping my negative thoughts & feelings to myself when we get into this stuff, and try to emphasize the positive things B does instead of just getting mad at the bad things.

This parenting crap is a lot harder than anyone said it was going to be. How in the name of god am I going to survive the teen years?!

Exhibit A (Added at 6:45pm)

We went to soccer tonight. It was the last class, so they had a grownups vs. kids scrimmage. It was pretty entertaining to watch, actually. B didn't try to play at all, which was fine, since he was having fun running around being silly. But then he started sticking his tongue out at all the grownups on the field. I tried to call him over when he ran past me one time, but he put his hands over his ears and shook his head and kept on running. I got up and cornered him, and told him it was disrespectful to stick his tongue out at grownups, and if he continued, we'd go home. What did he do not even two seconds after I said that? Stuck his tongue out at one of the grownups. What did I do? Hauled his sassy little butt out of there. When does this stop? Will he ever start listening, or is he just going to do whatever the hell he wants for the rest of his life, parents' wishes/advice/demands be damned?