Blue

Warning: Self-pitying to follow. Continue reading at your own risk.

I'm feeling blue today. No, not because nobody has commented on my racism post. I know you're here, people. Speak up! Don't be afraid to tell me I was wrong. I can take it.

No, this is an adoption depression. This is the worst I've felt since we jumped on this crazy rollercoaster 18 months ago. I feel discouraged and rather hopeless.

When we started looking into adopting from China, it was 6-8 months from LID to referral. By the time we were LID on August 1, 2006 (happy 14 month LID anniversary to us...) it was 8-10 months. But we had reason to be optimistic. Things had slowed down in the China program before, but had always sped back up. Surely this was just a blip. Then we watched as the wait crept up to a year, then 15 months, then 18 months, and gradually the realization sunk in. It's not getting any faster. There's no speed-up coming. We will probably wait four years.

To say that we joined the waiting child program to speed up the ever-increasing wait wouldn't be accurate, but it would also be untrue to say that the wait had nothing to do with it. I think if the wait time were still 6-8 months, it simply wouldn't have occurred to us to think seriously about the WC program. But given the unexpected extra time we had, we each mulled it over individually for a couple months before saying anything to the other. Then once we started talking about it, that lasted another couple months. What it came down to was that we both felt we were extraordinarily lucky to have one child at home who has no serious medical issues, and we felt capable of dealing emotionally and financially with some of the special needs listed on our agency's WC form. So since we could adopt a child with special needs, we decided we should.

So after several months of soul-searching and discussion, we formally joined the WC program on January 12 of this year. They told us to expect a wait of 6-8 months for a referral. Sound familiar? Well, the next part will too. At the six-month mark, it was obvious we were nowhere close to getting a referral. At the eight-month mark, it seemed like a long-shot at best. Now we're less than two weeks from the nine-month mark, and I'm growing increasingly doubtful that we'll receive a referral off our agency's next list (due late this month, probably). It'll be at least two more months until the next list arrives, which puts us at the one-year mark since joining the WC program. Yep, this wait keeps getting longer each month too, just like the NSN wait.

I feel like whatever I decide to do instantly becomes more difficult the moment I make my decision. Mileposts, bright spots, things to look forward to keep getting further away instead of closer. How am I supposed to sustain hope and excitement under these circumstances? How does anyone? I feel like there's a point at which I'll mentally give up (I'll never actually give up), and it feels like that point is very close today. Brushing right up against me, in fact.

I'm done whining. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.