Attachment baby steps

It's been almost eight months since we brought Z home. Several weeks ago, our social worker was here to do our six-month post-placement report. She asked M & me to evaluate how far along Z was in the attachment process, with 100% being completely attached. I said 75%, and M said 70%. At least we're on pretty much the same page!

Some of the positive signs we've seen recently:

Separation Anxiety
She started at a new childcare about a month ago. She had been in childcare for three months before that, at the same center where B had gone since he was six months old. Her initial adjustment to childcare was very smooth. After all, she'd been visiting twice a day, four days a week, for three months before she started -- when I was home on maternity leave for three months, she'd always go with me when I dropped off B and picked him up. We visited her future classroom often, so it was familiar to her, as were the teachers, administrators, and other kids. On her first day, she didn't really even cry. It was easy.

Things were not quite so smooth with the change. She was very unhappy being left at the new childcare. My routine is to drop her off first, then take B to his class. For the first three weeks, Z would cry and cling when I dropped her off, but would generally have quieted down & would be playing happily by the time I left B's class and walked by her door on my way out. And she has always been delighted to see me at the end of the day.

As heart-breaking as it was to hand her to a teacher when she was crying for me, I knew it was mostly a good thing. It meant that she would prefer to be with me, that she has begun to recognize M & me as two people who are more important in her life than other adults. That's a really good sign of attachment.

Moving Past Separation Anxiety: "Mommy back"
As good a sign as that was, the new phase we're in is even better. For the past two weeks, I've been repeatedly saying "Mommy always comes back" on our drive to childcare, as we walk up the sidewalk, and as I put on her sunscreen, wash her hands, and hug her good-bye. They play a song in her classroom called "Mommy comes back" too, and say it's the kids' favorite song. Well, she's getting it! One day last week, when I stepped out the door onto the playground at the end of the day, Z flung herself into my arms, shouting "Mommy back!" Since then, it's become her mantra. She says it constantly, day and night. Sometimes she whispers it. I always respond, "Yep Z, Mommy always comes back."

Then last Wednesday, a huge morning: she didn't cry when I dropped her off! Not a single tear. She just said "Mommy back!" and went off to play. Thursday she gave a half-hearted whimper, but it ended before I even left her classroom. Today, no crying again. I feel like we've reached a major milestone!

Yes, She's 2
Another good sign is also a bad sign. She is feeling more and more free to show us her two year-old side. The hissy fits are getting louder and more frequent, and her two favorite words are "No!" and "Mine!" As aggravating as this stuff is to deal with, it's a good sign. It shows that she feels comfortable enough to express herself around us, even when her feelings are negative. At school, they say she still doesn't really throw fits or show any sort of negative behavior. She's still getting used to them and staying on her best behavior to make sure they like her. We still adore her, hissies and all, but I have to admit I'm looking forward to the sweet 3s!

Signs that we're not all the way there quite yet:

The Witching Hour
The evenings are very difficult in our house these days. On work days, I typically get home with the kids shortly before 6:00, and have just a few minutes to throw together something for dinner and get it on the table. M doesn't usually get home until right about when we're sitting down to eat. Well, little Z's tank is clearly empty at this time of day. She's been away from us all day, and all she wants is "Up!" Unfortunately, I can't hold her and make dinner at the same time, and M isn't here to do it while I cook. The end result is often Z literally hanging on my legs, whining and shrieking "up!"

As soon as everyone's fed, we try to spend the hour before bed holding her, playing, dancing, whatever, as long as it's solid one-on-one interaction. Then she's happy. But that half-hour between getting home and eating dinner is hard. She just doesn't have the skills to soothe herself, or to keep herself entertained until I can give her my full attention. Sometimes I try putting her at the table with a cup of milk and a little snack, but that sometimes makes her even madder. She's hungry, and she doesn't want a little snack -- she wants dinner NOW! And if she can't have dinner, she wants Mommy to hold her. If anyone's got a suggestion for getting through this half-hour without all the screaming, my ears are open.

Stranger Danger
Z is still way too friendly to strangers. She'll let anyone pick her up. This is not uncommon among adopted kids. Until they really grasp the nature of the parent-child relationship, they don't understand that not all adults are equal. They will look to any adult for affection and comfort, and sometimes will even turn on the charm for adults in an effort to make sure they're liked. It's parent-shopping.

I don't think Z is that bad -- she seems to understand fairly well that we're her parents & different from other adults -- but she doesn't have the instinct to be more reserved with strangers yet. A friend of M's that she'd met only once or twice before several months ago came by last week, and Z went right up to him with her arms out, asking to be held. M stepped in and took her, explaining to our friend why we didn't want him to hold her. Fortunately, he was understanding.

And at parent-teacher conferences two weeks ago, I learned that Z does this to many parents when they enter the room, and that the staff has been letting other parents pick her up. I asked that this stop, that they allow only the teachers and staff at the school to pick her up, and that they explain to other parents why we don't want them to hold her.


So that's where we are. After sixteen months in an orphanage and eight months with her family, Z is really doing well. Many children have very serious problems with attachment, and we've been very lucky on that front. That said, there's still progress to be made. We'll get there. Baby steps.